Matt Is Glad Zombies Are Not Real

Today, my loyal few, I actually have an interesting story about work for you. Surprisingly, it is not me moaning and bitching about it. Actually strike that sentence. I am going to bitch about work now because damnit it is my blog and you know what the title says. I am referring specifically the part about where it is me bitching complaining shit talk etc.

The Holiday Inn I work at, like most Holiday Inns (in my experience) are extremely concerned about guest satisfaction scores. This is due in no small part to the fact that Holiday Inn is attempting to raise their brand standards. They shut down hundreds of hotels and require numerous specific things in all of hotels that keep the brand name. All Holiday Inns must have curved shower curtains, a "clutter free" check in area, and lots of other crap including a fucking Febreeze scent made exclusively for Holiday Inn. Did you know if you stay at a Holiday Inn their bullshit Morning Matters programs dictates that when you are seated for breakfast in restaurant the person must ask if you would like 'Freshly sqeezed Tropicana Florida orange juice?" If they only say "would you like some orange juice," or "can I get you anything to drink as you wait" the hotel can loose inspection points? People are supposed to give a shit because people supposedly have only stay there because of the brand name. Only the best at Holiday Inns because at Holiday Inn we love our guests! Please refer to my previous open letter to learn the truth of the employee feelings.

Where the fuck was I going with this? Oh yeah, I remember now. DOTHO's boss who is the guy in charge of both places decided that the front desk staff needs to wear suits to work now. Because of this action and being the short little republican turd he is, he is now known as The Tiny Republican Turd (TTPT). Seriously, the dude comes up my fucking shoulders. The Momster may be taller. He thinks that if the staff is dressed more professionally then the guest's impression of the hotel will increase and therefore the service scores will go up. Believe it or not, my loyal few, the MFster actually does not disagree with this logic. My problem with it is the fact that I have to wear a fucking suit now, and that a suit wearing front desk dude is not going to make a guest forget about the piece of shit product this particular property offers. TTPT along with the ownership he represents are cheap assholes. A guest complains about black fucking mold growing in the hallway that has not been updated with new wallpaper yet. What does TTPT do? He just has people cover it up with the new wallpaper. Cheap and easy and no longer a problem right? The air conditioning does not work in the summer at the front desk? No problem for TTRT because the one in his office does. I could go on for days with examples.

TTRT - I am thinking about getting ordering suits for the staff.
Me - Really, why?
TTRT - I think it will raise service scores.
Me - Hmm. Is it the super crappy ones from the Holiday Inn uniform catalog?
TTRT - Yes, they are not bad at all. I have a sample one in my office.
Me - Can I just wear my own suits if you do that?
TTRT - Why?
Me - Mostly because they are better quality, more comfortable, not super thick, and they actually fit because they are tailored.
TTRT - No.

So now I am stuck wearing blue fucking suits. Who the hell likes blue fucking suits? Black is the way to go. I remember the old clothing chart a former girlfriend hung on my wall. It said blue and black is bad. While I still disagree with that statement as a whole, I happen to think navy blue suits and fucking black dress shoes look dumb as hell. Certain colors of dress shirts and ties do not mesh well with dark blue pants and jackets yet all of my dress clothes look just fine while wearing my black suits. The only blue one I have has pinstripes and is super cool. They are thick fucking things. Scratchy fucking things. It is kinda like getting stuck on the bottom of a fat hairy girl. Plus it does not fucking fit right.


You - What the fuck are you talking about MFster? You were talking about them being cheap.
Me - Its my fucking blog! I make it up as I go dude/dudette!
You - Well get on with it.

TTRT giving me what I thought was black clothes in plastic bags - Here is your new uniform.
Me extremely unimpressed and sarcastic - Yey?
TTRT - They will look nice.
Me - So I get one jacket for 5 days a week?
TTRT - Yeah you get two pants, but you need to get your own white dress shirts.
Me - Really? We cant just wear whatever dress shirts and ties I have?
TTRT - No because the ties I ordered will only look good with white shirts and the blue suit.
Me again sarcastically after looking closer and confirming that yes they are blue - Yey.

So now the MFster is annoyed. I do not own any white fucking dress shirts. Not to mention the fact that I cannot really afford to buy any white fucking dress shirts. After a few minutes I realize I forgot to ask an important question. TTRT is gone so I have to ask DOTHO.
Me - How often is the hotel going to allow me to get my suit dry cleaned?
DOTHO - What do you mean?
Me - I assume they hotel will pay to get the suit dry cleaned, and I am wondering how often I am able to do that.
I point out how the crappy thing clearly states dry clean only on the tag.
DOTHO - um.... let me get back to you.
A few minutes later he does.
DOTHO - You will have to get it dry cleaned on your own. The hotel wont do it.

I told you they were cheap asses. My plan is come to work a bit early, and just get dressed here like I did in Portland. My suit jacket and pants will hang up somewhere. I am not going to pay out of my pocket to have them dry cleaned based on principle. I wonder how much coffee I shall spill on it?

That however is not the story I wished to tell, that is just what happened to me the past two days. This other dude at the hotel, well he had much crappier two day span.

He checked a few days ago, on the Holiday Inn side. He was due to check out yesterday. He did not check out of his room, which most people do not, so housekeeping went to his room and found it locked. Thinking the batteries in the door when dead, the let the maintenance staff know about it. They had to wait to until today for someone to fix it for some unknown reason. They put the room out of order. No one ever went in there to find out if the guy did leave, but the dumbass front desk pregnant bitch just checked him out. Lo and behold, the maintenance guy goes to the room today and uses the hook that goes under the door and opens it from the inside. The door it turns out was not broken and the batteries were not dead.

The guy in the room was.

The dude had to seriously wait an entire day because my co-workers are all fucking retarded and did shit they never should have. I have never heard of anyone assuming the room in empty. It is mandatory to check, not only make sure that the room is unoccupied, but for shit like this! I picked a different out of order room to poop in because it said door lock broken on it, plus it was much farther away. I could have stumbled upon a dead dude last night. To top it off, the dumb bitch at the front desk had to be talked into calling fucking 911 because she just wanted to call the non-emergency line. Hey if he looks dead he prolly is so its not an emergency right? No wonder the hotel thinks this fucking retard is awesome. This idiot is breeding. The world is going to hell.

Then again, I asked if we charged the guy for an extra night so I am too.

Matt Watches A Movie and He Did Not Like It

Last night upon completion of yet another shitastic day of work, I came home and saw Grant, accompanied by one of his lady friends, watching the ending of the new Star Trek movie. I watched a minute of it and was reminded of Star Wars instantly.
(paraphrased)
Spock - The odds of this working are (some low number)
Kirk - It will work.
Spock says something else
Kirk - It will work.

First thing I thought of was C3PO bitching about the odds of survival and Han's retort about never telling him the odds.

The movie shows the Capt's birthplace of Riverside Iowa. Yet the place pictured in the film does not really resemble Iowa, let alone the rural area around Riverside.
You may be thinking - Jesus MFster, you always talk like you know everything.
Me - Fuck you. I do know everything.
You - Bullshit.
Me - No, seriously that was not even close to Riverside.
You - And you know this because you live in Iowa right?
Me - Yes but more importantly there is a fucking casino in Riverside that I have been to one more than one occasion and there is not a giant fucking ravine anywhere close to the damn place.

One thought that went through my mind is why in the Hell would Riverside be a good place to make spaceships? The movie depicted Riverside as a rather dusty place with dirt roads everywhere that are only driven on by "farm hicks." Yet they choose to make spaceships full of undoubtedly sensitive computers and electronics right in the middle of where all the farm hicks drive around throwing up massive amounts of dust and dirt? Aside from the fact that Riverside is fairly isolated it would allow for giant spaceships to take off without damaging local metropolitan areas, I can find no other benefits to building shit there. The cost of transporting material to the location would be astronomical (hahaha Im awesome using words like that when talking about spaceship construction). The geological make up of Iowa is not comprised of fucking rocks containing the obscene amounts of iron ore it would take to get enough steel to make a fucking interstellar transport. Also along those lines the population of Earth would undoubtedly require an unbelievable amount of food to sustain itself. But the future decision makers thinks a good idea to take much needed farmland in the thousands of square acres into a fucking facility to build spaceships? I think even the dumbass Spock can see the lack of logic that went into that decision.

Also the size of the enormous ship manufacturing plant would need several thousand employees to run, yet there is no town shown in the movie to support such a plant. The movie clearly shows a flat expanse of nothing, because as we all know there are absolutely no hills or trees in the State of Iowa. I do not recall seeing sort of residential compounds around the plant, and the only building not part of the industrial military complex that we see is a semi-futuristic townie bar that somehow manages to sell what is referred to as Bud Classic. One would think in the future they would have non piss flavored beer. Seriously where do all the people live? It is not like Star Wars where there are droids running around all the place doing stuff.

Jesus. Fucking. H. Christ. Why is this plant in Riverside? It makes my head hurt.

Another problem I had with this movie was just the sheer stupidity of it. I pictured pre-production conversations along these lines:
JJ Abrams - We need to add ninja shit to it because everyone likes ninja shit.
Other Dildo - Yeah lets give the only fucking Asian dude in the movie a sword and let him fight with it! We can have him be trained in fencing then jump around like a fucking ninja master like Yoda or some shit.
JJ Abrams - Fuck yeah, it will be as stupid as Transformers punching each other when they have built in fucking lasers and shit!
OD - Good idea that movie kicked ass! Can we get dogs humping legs too?
JJ Abrams - No. But we can put giant fucking monsters on an ice planet like Hoth in Star Wars!
OD - You go man! But wait.....why on Earth would there be giant monsters on a place where the habitat most likely cannot support them?
JJ Abrams - It wont be Earth dude! Its a SPACE movie you dumbfuck.

Seriously, Hollywood. Go fuck yourself.

Having the dude from Harold and Kumar in this movie made me want to smoke pot. I don't even like smoking weed.

The plot of the movie is total and utter shit that rips off so many other movies, themes, and characters it leaves what was once considered a unique franchise searching again for a originality. How many movies have you seen that have people traveling to and from time to save something or someone? How many times have you seen the underachieving kid grow to do great things? How many times have you seen a character struggle with who he is? How many times have you seen rivals come together at the end of a movie?

How many times have you seen this movie without actually having to suffer through it?

They make Scotty out to be a genius. But he does have some sort of pet or minion that does his bidding. It reminded me of Raistlin's attempts at playing God. Got to love unneeded comic relief right?
Scotty - Hey! Get down from there!
HAHHAHAHAHAHA! that is so funny!

No. Not really.

The Russian kid, who reminded me Ender being the young prodigy and all, was the same way. Take the scene where he was trying to talk to the computer but it could not understand his accent.
Russian kid says something
PC - .....
Russian kid more clearly repeats himself.
PC does what is commanded to do
HAHAHAHAHA! That was funny. That Russian kid needs to learn English man! So fucking funny.

No. Not really.

I had extremely low expectations for this movie. All I wanted was some nerdy space action and cool special effects. I really did not anticipate getting this annoyed with it.

At least it was on Blu-Ray. That was by far the coolest thing about it.

Did you know that I hate job? I am sure you did because I bitch about damn near every time I post something here. Lately I have not felt like writing much. Luckily for you I do today.

Today my reason for hating my current employment is coffee. As you are aware of I require what most people consider to be an obscene amount of coffee to function properly. This is especially true at work where between getting sworn at by the assholes that are hotel guests and having the same fucking conversation numerous times a day it provides me a soothing feeling much like smoking does. Now, one of the benefits of working at a full service hotel is they have a restaurant and one of the benefits of having a restaurant is the free unlimited amount of coffee and soda the company provides its employees for supposed privileged of working here. So today the MFster comes into work at 3 PM. Yey! Of course I have to work until midnight due to the stupid fat girl who is breeding again. Nine hours of work on a Sunday. "Quit your bitching! You get an hour for lunch," you may be thinking. No. You are wrong. You see one of the many reasons why I despise my job is the fact that I am responsible for standing much like a zoo animal behind the desk constantly. When I am away from the desk people get mad and swear at me.

Me - Hey can you watch the front for a few minutes?
DOTHO - No.
Three minutes he just leaves and of course I only know this because he closed his office door.
Me thinking to myself - Fuck it.
I go to poop. You see, restroom breaks are the only break guaranteed by the State of Iowa for hourly workers. It was a quick one that I could not really hold until later on (which I normally do) when it would be slower. Three minutes later I walk out of the restroom and there is a douchebag standing there watching me walk out of the restroom all the while sighing loudly like most people who have a overly high opinion of themselves do. Nevermind there is sign on the front saying I will be back in a moment or two. The hotel maintenance dude was sitting in the back, and he told me the dumabss kept shouting, "Hello!?" when he was not too busy huffing, puffing, and sighing.
Me - Sorry about the short wait there. What I can help you with?
Giant Asshole Jock Mother Fucker of Indescribable Doucheness (GAJMFID) - This is fucking ridiculous. I would expect a fucking sign like this (he takes the sign and literally tosses a few feet to my left) at fucking 3 AM not six in the Goddamn afternoon. It is fucking stupid that you are the only person working.
Me while hiding my annoyance extremely well - Again, I apologize for the short delay sir. However, I am here now though and am more happy to assist you. So what can I do for you.
GAJMFID - I wanted to fucking check in instead of stand around here all fucking night.

I get him check in and low and behold he comes down the front a few minutes later.

GAJMFID somehow even more angry than he was before- What fucking channel is the NFL Network in this piece of shit place?
Me with a new example of why I hate jocks - Unfortunately sir the hotel does not get that station.
GAJMFID - Well, how the Hell am I supposed to watch the fucking game? Jesus, there had better be a BWW close.
Me having no idea what the Hell BWW is - I'm sorry a what sir?
GAJMFID all slow and elongated while speaking to me like I am either an 3 year old or mentally retarted - Buufallooooo.... Wiiiild.... Wiings. You know the place with wings that has the damn game on.

Later on that night, the restaurant decides to close early. They dump the coffee out and take the spouts of the soda machine off, denying me the free soda and coffee I am allowed to consume. Yes, I realize I am seriously complaining about not getting free beverages but it gets better (or worse). I have been yelled at for making coffee in the lobby because it makes 2 gallons or so and even I cant drink that much in a few hours. I was told it is a waste of money and I should not do it. That is when I figure out DOTHO did not schedule anyone to work until midnight when the over night guy comes in. Yey! Now I get to work 9 fucking hours again. I decide to go get a can of soda from the kitchen that is used for banquets. The Food and Beverage Director sees me.
FBD - You are not supposed to being taking those cans.
Me - I know, but they dumped the coffee out, and shut down the soda machine already. I still have 3 and a half hours of work left.
FBD being extremely condescending - Fine this time you can but do not do it again. There are vending machines if you need something to drink.
Me - Doesn't that defeat the purpose of the free coffee and soda we are supposed to get.
He just walked away without saying anything.

So after getting bitched by a guest about being the only one working after my boss refused to babysit the desk for 5 minutes, getting cussed at by three other guests about the "shitty fucking televisions" and other product related issues that I have no power to fix, being reprimanded for taking a can of fucking soda, and having DOTHO say "hahaha I always do that on Thursdays," when I pointed out how he fucked up the schedule. I know my tenure here needs to end.

I do not get paid enough to get sworn at. I have lost the patience I used to have when I thought it was fun to meet lots of new people at work. I am just tired of it. Tired of not having weekends or just two consecutive days off. I am tired of working until 11 if I am lucky or midnight if I am not. I am tired of dealing with people. Luckily for me, a friend told me about a position where he works that would pay more, let me work Monday through Friday from Noon to 9. Those hours that might let me get some sort of social life going. Plus I would not have to work weekends and holidays. I bet I get to work Thanksgiving (I already know I have to), Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years Eve, and New Years Day. I know I had New Years Eve off last year and maybe New Years Day but I was here for the rest of them.

Seriously, my loyal readers and friends, I am starting to loose my mind working here and hopefully I get another job soon because I am getting more and more tempted to buy a fucking gun and bring it to work. I wish I was more than only partially joking about that.

Lets see what else has the MFster been up to?

Girl calls asks if I am going to the bar. I say probably not. She gets all girly and tells me I have to because she got ditched by her friends and we haven't hung out for a while. I give in and go downtown to hang out. She ends up ditching me. I find funny today though I was rather annoyed with it at the time. I sent a drunken text to a friend of mine in AZ saying, "I hate people with vaginas."

The girl I have written about that I have gone to lunch with a few times is basically out of the picture I think. I am pretty sure she is not into me at all and I do not feel like being the one who always suggests we hang out. It kinda sucks I was starting to like her more and more each time we hang out.

I think I am going to see how long it is until anyone calls me or texts me to hang out. I bet it is at least a week or two.

I do not get ratings for college football, especially now that I have seen a lot of it. Iowa beats Penn State at Penn State. Yet somehow Penn State is ranked higher than Iowa? Is it because Iowa lost to Ohio State whom (I think) also lost to Penn State? It seriously makes no sense at all.

The Cubs have a prospect named Starlin Castro. Besides the fact that he has cool name I think he is the new Corey Patterson, or the new Felix Pie, or the new (insert whatever Cubs prospect that was supposed to be great and ended up sucking horribly). There really have been too many to name over the years. I keep thinking one of them will work out, then I realize it is the Cubs so they most likely never will.

I do not like winter even though it is coming. I want it to be fall all year around.

I borrowed a couple video games to play. Who needs a lady friend when I have OSDT and Gears of War 2 to play?

I need to drive to Muscatine to wash clothes again tomorrow. I tire of doing that on my days off.

Here is a funny text message exchange for your reading pleasure.
Grantbot - I put a gigantic tablecloth on the wall that looks like Pharaoh's Fortune.
Me - Damnit now I will get drunk and throw money at the wall singing the slot machine music.
Grantbot - That's a beautiful image man.

Well kiddos I am going to amuse myself doing other things at work for the next 2 hours. Hope all is well with all of you.

Matt Eats Lots of Pixy Sticks at Work

SUGAR!!!1! SUGAR!!!!!!! SUGAR!!!!!!!!

I work this rather large guy. He is the type of guy that normally I make fun of and ridicule for being fat. I do not make fun of him though because he is cool and makes me laugh every time I see him by saying random funny stuff. He was taking Pixy Sticks cutting the bottom as well as the top of the giant stick to make a large straw to drink Pepsi out of it. That was great to watch in that absurd type of way and is mostly likely a better combination than Blue Pixy Sticks and my normal pots of coffee.

So I have hung out with this girl named Kris on two separate occasions now. Once we went out to lunch and it was fun, yet I think I already wrote about that so I will refrain from rehashing it. The second time was during my second tailgating experience last weekend. It was nice to see her. She is pretty, and I like her smile. She is not super duper Natalie Portman hot, but I cannot complain about the physical attraction other than to say she is quite pretty in that attainable type of way. It makes me nervous now. Why at lunch when it was just the two of us I was fine I do not know. Yet when I am around her while she is tailgating I get all weirded out I also do not know. Was it the beer I drank? Was it the lack of proper amounts of coffee? Was it the lack of sleep? Was it just me feeling out of place in a large crowd? Or is it just that she is not all that into me like I am starting to think? I want to hang out with the girl more and get to know her on a more personable level, yet am now lacking the balls to do it. I, my loyal readers, suck with this shit. Apparently I always have, all the past failed relationships spring to mind, but at least it is nice to realize it now. But hey its not like I was actually dating the girl or anything so I should not be so hard on myself.

I think my chances would increase if I had a cool title though. I think I wrote once here about I christened myself Lord Paramount of my Apartment. My full self imposed title was "Matt, the first of his name of the House Francis, Lord Paramount of His Apartment, Ruler and Protector of His Furry Minions and Supreme Dictator of His Girlfriend." The old lady friend and our friend placated me for a while and referred to me as Lord Paramount. She did not unsurprisingly ignore the whole dictator part. Now because I have started to rewatch Rome perhaps I should start calling myself Matt of the Francii or something. No? Fine. I concur. Dumb idea. I think Lunchbox and MF are here to stay and I should just be content with that.

For some unknown reason I have been watching fucking football this year. The past Iowa game was the most entertaining football game I have ever seen. It was exciting much like viewing a colossal car crash is. It was poorly executed at best. Indiana should have won the game. They got fucked over by the umps. I think in the future while watching Iowa play I am going to start a drinking game. Each time that turd of a QB throws the ball directly to the other team I drink 2 shots. Each time he throws the ball and they intercept it by at least putting their arms outside of their chest it is only 1 shot. I figure I will be good and drunk by the halftime so if I need to continue watching the sporting even I will not be annoyed with the constant stopping and starting of the game and numerous commercial breaks in a 5 minute span. I will admit that is more tolerable that NASCAR. Seriously fuck NASCAR. I have a hard time figuring out if I would still watch football if Iowa was not 8-0 or not? I think I would because it is in HD and I am still not over the novelty of HD television.

Ben survives to continue to hate human beings and crappy movies. That, my loyal readers, makes me happy. I am glad his operation went well.

Lately I have been lots of Halo again. I get pissed when I die. I need to chill out on it and play it for fun because it is fun. It is really not a competition. Wait, yes it is. I am gonna kill lots of bitches tonight. See what happens when I have no life. Wow, that is kind of depressing.

Speaking of depression, the shitty insurance provided by my company wanted me to take certain sessions with a councilor if I had diabetes, congestive heart failure (wouldnt I already be dead?), or a few other things like depression, to remain at the "lower tier" price of insurance.
Me - I don't have any of these.
HR - Really?
Me - Well I guess I have manic depression when I come into work until I leave but I am not sure if that counts.
Discontented with her job as well HR Lady - Aren't we all.
That is when I found out they changed her from salary to hourly, make her work more than she did for the same amount of money. Basically she was to work 45 hours instead of 40. They also did the same to all the ladies who work in the sales office. And to think my boss is amazed at the high turnover rate of employees here. We are still waiting for last year's Christmas party too, but they decided to have a trick or treating party for all the kids of employees. Which is basically the Housekeeping staff, and the dumb bitch who works mornings here that is pregnant again and already has a kid that makes me work till midnight.

Me - I really hope she gets in a car wreck or something and can no longer work and while I do not really wish her unborn child harm I would not be opposed to her dying.
Maintenance Dude - Dude, that is just plain evil.
Me - No fuck her. Why should my work schedule change because she is a single mother who can not drop her kid off at day care before work? I know she can not afford to have another baby while working here, which means she most likely is living off WIC and other government funded programs that I have to pay for, and thinks its a good idea to keep fucking breeding. Thats what abortions and contraceptives are fucking for.
MD - Whoa. Here we go....
Me now really riled up - Who the fuck would breed with this girl anyways? She is fat. She looked fucking preggo before she even was. I bet she paid money for some dick. Now do not get me wrong, there are no beer goggles thick enough for that for most people but I bet some poor dude would rather hit that than jerk off.
MD ...
Me - Seriously there some fucking guidelines to who is allowed to breed and who is not. I do not know, but am pretty fucking sure she is recieving some sort of help from the government especially seeing as how 1. she works here and we get paid like shit and 2. the Dad of the kid she already has is back in Guatemala or some such place and she said he doesn't help her at all financially. Fuck her. I am going to go smoke.

I did and felt better.

Now do not get me wrong I support governmental aid to people who need it. It kind of like Affirmative Action for me. I support it 110% I just wish I did not need to.

I hope you enjoyed reading this post. Maybe I will get around to writing more sometime.

Matt Finally Gets Around To Posting

So I think I just made Grant mad. He told via Facebook chat that he went on a date with a girl he knows that has a kid. I asked, meaning to be sarcastic, when the next date was because it did not sound like he was into this particular female all that much.
GJ - dunno...maybe this weekend.
Me - awesome. Do I need to babysit?

I didnt hear back from him.

Speaking of girls and dates, I went on a lunch date the other day. Amazing when you consider the logistics involved for the MFster to do this.
1. Get up prior to my normal wake up time.
2. Shower and what not before normal wake up time.
3. Drive to pick up girl prior to my normal wake up time.
4. Eat lunch five hours earlier than I normally eat.
5. Attempt to be pleasant while lacking sufficient amounts of coffee.

Turns out I did well. I was only 4 minutes late picking her up and that was because I thought the road where I was supposed to go to was farther south than where it actually is. One would think for living in Iowa City before for a few years and driving up here for years before that I would know where the Hell I am going. I ended up getting lost after dropping her off back at work too. I really do not know that side of the river at all.

My most loyal reader, and the person who convinced me to start wasting everyone's time here, has surgery soon. I hope all goes well for him. Ben I shall drink a beer in your honor because that is pretty much all I can do short of doing nothing.

A while ago I started getting random text messages from a 360 number. For those of you that do not know it is a Washington State phone number. I had no idea who it was and when I called it there was no voice telling me who it is. I called some people trying to figure out who it was and my old boss Anna called it and they said they were looking to find me because she is pregnant. I was looking forward to explaining how I live in Iowa now and the baby is not mine to some crazy fucking lady out in the Northwest, but it was only my crazy old co-worker having fun. It did make me laugh.

Well I am off to go watch the Phillys come from behind and beat the Yankees in Game 2. Hopefully.

Matt On Fashion

Today I read some articles that made me laugh. One was about that giant fatass size 4 model who got fired for being fat. Now size 4 is not fat at all but if she expects to be a runway model then perhaps she should lay off the ice cream. Hahahaha. Honestly, I think she is getting the short end of the stick. The second article was about how hipsters have raised the cost PBR by one dollar and fifty cents over the past few years due in part to the word of mouth advertising campaign and supposedly it became part of the hipster fashion trend much like flannel shirts have become. It was not the article that made me laugh it was the comments found on the Fark.com thread. There is a website somewhere that people take photographs of hipsters and then they make fun of them. It was kind of amusing. Therefore, my favorite readers, you get the privilege of the second installment and perhaps the last of the Matt On Series.

First and foremost I really do not care what people wear. I will look at you and laugh if I think you look stupid just like I may look at you and pay you a compliment if you look nice. Kinda like the roomie and a few co-workers did yesterday. But most likely not. The MFster likes to save compliments in order to get myself out of holes that I put myself in.

For anyone randomly reading this (hahahahahaha yeah right but every once in awhile I like pretend that maybe some strange people do read this) you need to understand that I am what most people call a boring dresser. I have two pairs of jeans and lots of black t-shirts and sweatshirts. Also to give you an idea of how I am when dressing myself an old lady friend gave me a clothing chart once, another one hid my star wars shirt but I think I have discussed that in previous posts so I shall move on. Lets just say I have no idea what is fashionable.

Yet walking around Iowa City the fashion trends seem to be appalling at best and at worst completely and utterly unexplainable. Take those Ugg(ly hahaha! im so clever and full of wit!) that people wear. Basically they look like giant snow shoes and maybe just maybe might keep peoples feet warm. I have no idea if they are water resistant, if they fit well and keep out drafts, or if they are really warm at all. Yet if you want to keep your feet warm why the fuck do I always see them on girls wearing miniskirts, shorts, or dresses? Neither of those three are exactly warm weather apparel. The MFster grades Uggs as as 2 out of ten because thy might just be warm.

Now I would have to give a 3 to those plastic half shoes half sandals that look like swiss cheese. I can see how those would be functional at someplace like Adventure Land, or for a long flight if you are too embarrassed to wear slippers like I try to do for flights. You can slip them on easily, water from the Raging River or the Logride will go right through them, and they look like they are light weight enough not to tire your legs while walking around in them all day as opposed to something like a Dr. Martin's steeltoe boots. Now they looked retarded as hell but I can see what the appeal is. I wonder if they are comfortable to wear? Do you my loyal and readers know? I doubt they would be.

More later must work now.

Matt Decides to Update His Blog

Why hello there my favorite readers. I would like you know that you are my favorite readers because you are my only readers. For that you should give yourself a hand, but please refrain from pulling a muscle while patting your own back. Yey for you!

There is a gentleman in my lobby with no teeth from Tennessee and he is stumbling around the lobby being laughed at my his co-workers. I think somebody needs to lay off the moonshine.

A week or two ago I went out with this girl from work to the Sanctuary. I like the place even though the beer is rather expensive. You see they have lots and lots of imported beer normally with at least 8% alcohol. It is tasty stuff. Turns out that stuff is sneaky and the MFster did not realize how drunk he was until I stood up to walk home. I have no recollection of paying, leaving, the bar, twisting my ankle, or going to bed. I was successful in amusing my roomie and his brother in law by falling over lots, saying funny stuff, and pouring water all over the counter instead of my cup. I did however create a new rule for myself which is eating prior to drinking. I was hungry before I drank and I should have listened to my belly. I am sure my wallet would have appreciated it because then I would not have bought so many 10 dollar beers.

Here is another story involving my late night shenanigans. This past Saturday the Iowa Hawkeyes had their homecoming football game. Go HAWKS!!!! Not. Fuck football. Anyways, my cousin was in town so after work I brave all the stupid ass college kids and head downtown to drink some brewskies. A co-worker of mine whom I call Coach, the guy who built Star Wars ships out of key cards with me, shows up as well. The three of us have a pleasant time out and about. Then we decide to get some beer and walk to my house to drink. Coach buys some beer flavored water (Busch Light) and we get ready to go home. Coach says, "Hey wait a minute." and walks off. Before he walked away he ripped open the case of beer. I get bored after 10 ten minutes and try to pick up the beer and lo and behold it spills to the ground.
Me - WTF?
A cop laughs at me and told me how my friend ripped the box before he walked off. He walks over and grabs a box sitting outside a bar puts my case of beer in it and tells me to have a good night.
I walk home and only dropped the box twice. I was proud of myself. I get home and Coach does not call or anything. VC! is in my neighborhood so she stops by. Coach calls so I can tell him where he was. She answers the phone for me.
Coach unamused - Let me talk to Matt
Turns out Coach was in the Iowa City police department after getting arrested for public intoxication. The cops wanted to know where he was and who he was with. It kind of sounded like he looked like someone they were looking for.
Coach - Where were we?
Me - Are you retarded or did you drop you wallet?
At this point in time he hung up on me. Turns out a police captain walked in the room he was in with another officer, hung up the phone, and said charge him with public intox and get him out of here.
He got screwed over. The moral of the story, I guess, is do not try to match the MFster beer for beer on a full belly. You will get arrested.

This is such a magnificent way to kill time at work on slow nights.

Lately, some of my friends have been going through some shit. I feel bad for them. I wish there was a way I could help them out but I cannot. That depresses me.

My little brother gave me his flat screen television for my birthday. That was nice of him. One of these days I will remember to bring up to Iowa City. Then I will put it in my bedroom. That my favorite readers shall be the first time in my life I have resided in a place with more than one television. Strange. Maybe I hook up the old Nintendo 64 in there so I can play Zelda while GJ watches movies if I do not wish to join him.

Sadly, I think the New York Yankees are going to win the World Series yet again. I hope that Philly beats the Dodgers because while their pitching is predominantly left handed think they have a better chance against the Yankees. As long as the National League wins I am content. You see the reason why I hate the American League is the stupid DH. Yey! Half a baseball player! In the Northwest people call Edgar Martinez the "Greatest DH of all time." Is that exactly like being tallest midget or the smartest retard or whatever other cheesy analogy meets your fancy? A guy gets paid to sit on the bench and take 3-4 at bats on average a game. The rest of the time he sits on the bench and is a cheerleader. People argue that its good that pitchers do not bat because it saves them from being injured. People bring up Mark Prior to prove their point. For those not in the know, he was the supposed savior of the Cubs awhile ago. He did in fact excel at throwing the baseball but he is incapable of staying healthy. There was a collision he was involved with on the basepaths where he injured his shoulder and he was never the same after wards. That happened something like 4 years ago and he is still out of baseball. Basically he is just a pussy. A year or two ago the Yankees had one of their pitchers mess up his leg by stepping on a base. They cried about and because he plays in New York the media made a giant deal out of it. End interleague play they cried. The senior circuit should have a DH too they exclaimed. Fuck that. A professional athletic should be expected to play the whole game in the sport of baseball. Why can't a professional pitcher be expected to lay down a bunt or run the bases? The National League is more strategic with all the sacrifice bunts, double switches, and pitching changes. It adds to the game. The American League just bores me. All they do is try to hit home runs.

This past Saturday I was supposed to meet that girl Churchy is trying to hook me up with. I had to work. This Saturday I am supposed to meet that girl Churchy wants to hook me up with at a party at Churchy's house. I have to work. Lame like the DH.

I finished another Chris Moore book. I am going to start another Chris Buckley book. Sometime soon. In fact, I think I am going to start it now.